Joke

Confession

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"

To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Joke

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

kid talk

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"

Confession 2

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

Mornin'... T





" We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads." That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!